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The In-between Spaces

So, divorce fucking sucks. Let me just be abundantly clear. In the past six months, I've experienced more emotions than probably any time since I was sixteen years old. As Kody said in response to my text that we were officially divorced, "Feelings are fucking complicated". In some ways, I really hate that things turned out the way they did. In other ways, I couldn't be happier. My life is on a path that finally makes sense for me. The thing about my ex is that... well, I don't love him. He doesn't love me. I mean, not the way you're supposed to love a spouse. I'm not talking about infatuation or whatever, though we certainly don't have that. I'm talking about that cell-level contentment that you have in knowing that person is your person. The one that is with you through thick and thin, the person who is kind of your mirror... even if sometimes you want to kick your mirror a little... Kody is not my person. But he was my best friend for a long time... and letting go of your best friend is like letting go of a piece of yourself. We just couldn't hold the pieces together. We ran out of duct tape...

Everyone has advice on what you should do when you break up with someone who did you wrong. "Girl, you should never talk to him again".... And on some level... it would be so clean cut to just walk away... after all, not only did he cheat on me, with someone one his ship... he cheated on me while I thought I might have a tumor... I wasn't okay... I took the high road, and I'll continue to take the high road... but it got really fucking complicated there for a while. You can't show someone through your actions that you're not their person and then turn around and expect them to be that person for you....

...but in some ways, now that we're divorced, I have a lot more compassion for Kody. I'm watching him fuck up his life, not mine... and I'm not mad at him so much as I am hurt for him... when I got stood up this weekend, it was totally Kody that I wanted to talk to. Yesterday, while I was on my way home, he called. I answered the phone and... I felt really relieved. The way you feel relieved with you get home after a really long day. He asked how I was doing and I kinda broke a little bit... I told him about what happened with our mutual friend... the one who totally stood me up... I felt really stupid. I mean, why did I think that would be a good idea? And how sad was it that I was ranting to my ex-husband and my failed attempts at... I don't even know what that was. I went on some rant about how all I really want is someone who gets me, to fingerpaint and dance in the rain with me... to watch movies with me and tell me I'm gonna be okay when I don't believe it... Kody laughed and did that deep inhale thing he does when he feels your pain. And then he did the sweetest thing he's done for me in a really long time. He asked me to watch a movie with him. I choose a movie, we both rent it and watch it at the same time... it was a really sweet gesture. 

Everyday I have little moments where the universe whispers "You're going to be okay"... and in that moment I realized that me and Kody are irrevocably broken... but that doesn't mean we didn't walk through the fire together. Just because we got burned doesn't mean we didn't create a bond that in some ways, can never be undone... and just because we'll probably never live in the same time zone again... we're both going to be okay.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
tcpip
Jan. 30th, 2013 11:02 am (UTC)
This is obviously a difficult for both of you. You're both going to be working through why you were, and are, friends, what made you start a relationship with each other, and why it didn't work out... and yet keep those good parts of the friendship.

Honestly, from the sounds of it, it seems that you're doing the right thing.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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