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Beginning Again

It is fitting that today would be the day that I reflect on new beginnings. I don't know if it has to do with the calendar, the holiday, or just the season in my life, but I feel really hopeful.

The last few years have been really difficult. I've been trying to hold on to something that was falling apart, while at the same time keeping it at arms length, so that I wouldn't fall apart too. Well, I fell apart a little. Now I'm building myself back up. It's kind of awesome to have an opportunity to build yourself into what you want to be. I'm very fortunate to have this opportunity. Really, I'm just very fortunate in general.

I'm back in Detroit. Well, not Detroit proper... but "Detroit". I'm about to start the last three classes required for my undergrad... then I'm done. I got an online TEFL certificate. So, technically I'm qualified to teach ESL overseas. I still think I need actual practice teaching. Tomorrow I have an interview with Lutheran Social Services for a volunteer position teaching English to refugees. I don't see why I wouldn't get it.

Now that I'm not incredibly depressed, I'm kind of sorting through what baggage is mine to carry and what I should let go of. 

Kody tried to kill himself. This makes me very sad... but on some level, I've had to let it go. I can't be the person that is there for him. He isn't a person that is there for me. He doesn't actually want my help when I offer it. He just wants my attention without giving anything back. I don't have that kind of attention to give anymore.

In the past month I have:

- unpacked the storage unit... this was similar to unearthing a time capsule. i'm glad it is done and over with.
- moved back to Michigan
- found a place to live. probably temporary, but really wonderful for the time being...
- enrolled in classes. 
- gotten textbooks
- got a passport
- got a TEFL certificate
- managed holidays as a single person

This new singleness is strange. I am unsure what I'm supposed to be doing with my life and my time... but now I don't feel guilty when I make decisions that other people wouldn't be happy with. I feel free. I should have felt this way all along. I'm not going to put my life on hold like that again. It's not healthy. 

My parents divorced me again... It hurts again... but it's also really liberating. My father is crazy. My mother is crazy. I've known this my whole life... but I wasn't really able to accept that somehow this wasn't partially my fault. Somehow it was still my responsibility... but now I'm free from them too. All this freedom is a little overwhelming. Do I go overseas and teach for a while? Do I get an awesome job and stay in Detroit? Do I try to salvage my credit and buy a house? I want all of these things. I think I still plan to go overseas, get experience, come back and get a better job than I'm capable of getting now... 

But I know I'm in the right place because even with the remnants of snow on the ground, yesterday really felt like sandals weather to me... 

My heart and life are open to new possibilities this year. It's going to be amazing.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
sarahmichigan
Jan. 1st, 2013 03:01 pm (UTC)
Wishing you all the best with your transformation.
lorigrrl
Jan. 1st, 2013 03:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you! We should finally get coffee. I'm busy Tuesday and Thursday evenings. Other than that, my schedule is pretty open. :)
sarahmichigan
Jan. 9th, 2013 06:39 pm (UTC)
Sure, though I'm scheduling a few weeks out at this point. How about Sunday the 20th or Wednesday the 23rd?
tcpip
Jan. 2nd, 2013 12:16 am (UTC)
Welcome to the new year and special congratulations with the TEFL certificate...
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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