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Sep. 17th, 2014

I seriously don't update this journal enough. In the last year I've lived in four or five different countries. I'm currently living in Jeonju, South Korea. It's beautiful here if a bit boring. Being in Korea certainly doesn't help me improve my Russian. The fact that I'm totally paranoid about Russian/American international relations kind of throws a wrench in things too... but I'm trying to get over that.

Jeonju is more expensive than I expected it to be. After Eastern Europe prices in Korea are quite a shock. People here are really friendy though. There are a lot of things to be grateful for. I need to get out of the city more often. The surrounding area is beautiful. Last weekend we went to Geumsansa, a temple in the nearby mountain area. The statues there are 500 years old. It's really beautiful.

Life is complicated but I'm trying to remain positive. I hope we'll be able to come home eventually. Stupid foreign policy interfering in my family life. 
Well, I'm not in Crimea anymore... but my husband is. I'm lucky to have amazing friends and family but this whole thing feels like a giant living hell. I met the guy of my dreams after losing everything I had... I'm not going to let everything I love slip away from me again.

I started a fundraiser for myself. I guess I've been gone a long time. Maybe you don't know this but I'm pretty good at raising money for other people. I would never think of doing something like this for myself though... but I have to support a family in Ukraine, pay for an immigration lawyer, and a zillion other expenses that have all just fallen on me like a ton of bricks. We have to put our family back together. If you can help monetarily, awesome. If you can't, please send prayers, well wishes, warm fuzzies or whatever our way... along with any practical advice you may have. We need all the love and support we can get. Love!


Hello Ukraine!

Okay, so I'm behind with updates again. So last month I was in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. Now I am in the Autonomous Republic of Crimea, in Southern Ukraine. I accepted a job teaching English in Kiev but then turned it down. Now I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I'm happy though. I met this guy Maksym and we're doing alright. mostly. So now I'm not sure what we're doing. I have a job interview in Odessa. Max has an interview on Skype for a job in Mexico City. I don't know if we can hold this together since we both have different needs as far as visas and all that stuff... but we're trying. All you can do is try. Right now I'm just enjoying the adventure. And still I miss Detroit. 

The In-between Spaces

So, divorce fucking sucks. Let me just be abundantly clear. In the past six months, I've experienced more emotions than probably any time since I was sixteen years old. As Kody said in response to my text that we were officially divorced, "Feelings are fucking complicated". In some ways, I really hate that things turned out the way they did. In other ways, I couldn't be happier. My life is on a path that finally makes sense for me. The thing about my ex is that... well, I don't love him. He doesn't love me. I mean, not the way you're supposed to love a spouse. I'm not talking about infatuation or whatever, though we certainly don't have that. I'm talking about that cell-level contentment that you have in knowing that person is your person. The one that is with you through thick and thin, the person who is kind of your mirror... even if sometimes you want to kick your mirror a little... Kody is not my person. But he was my best friend for a long time... and letting go of your best friend is like letting go of a piece of yourself. We just couldn't hold the pieces together. We ran out of duct tape...

Everyone has advice on what you should do when you break up with someone who did you wrong. "Girl, you should never talk to him again".... And on some level... it would be so clean cut to just walk away... after all, not only did he cheat on me, with someone one his ship... he cheated on me while I thought I might have a tumor... I wasn't okay... I took the high road, and I'll continue to take the high road... but it got really fucking complicated there for a while. You can't show someone through your actions that you're not their person and then turn around and expect them to be that person for you....

...but in some ways, now that we're divorced, I have a lot more compassion for Kody. I'm watching him fuck up his life, not mine... and I'm not mad at him so much as I am hurt for him... when I got stood up this weekend, it was totally Kody that I wanted to talk to. Yesterday, while I was on my way home, he called. I answered the phone and... I felt really relieved. The way you feel relieved with you get home after a really long day. He asked how I was doing and I kinda broke a little bit... I told him about what happened with our mutual friend... the one who totally stood me up... I felt really stupid. I mean, why did I think that would be a good idea? And how sad was it that I was ranting to my ex-husband and my failed attempts at... I don't even know what that was. I went on some rant about how all I really want is someone who gets me, to fingerpaint and dance in the rain with me... to watch movies with me and tell me I'm gonna be okay when I don't believe it... Kody laughed and did that deep inhale thing he does when he feels your pain. And then he did the sweetest thing he's done for me in a really long time. He asked me to watch a movie with him. I choose a movie, we both rent it and watch it at the same time... it was a really sweet gesture. 

Everyday I have little moments where the universe whispers "You're going to be okay"... and in that moment I realized that me and Kody are irrevocably broken... but that doesn't mean we didn't walk through the fire together. Just because we got burned doesn't mean we didn't create a bond that in some ways, can never be undone... and just because we'll probably never live in the same time zone again... we're both going to be okay.
Whenever I am interested in something I get trained in how to do it... I know how to sell real estate. I know how to do basic suicide intervention. I know how to see the signs of bullying and prevent it... I think sometimes it's nice just to participate in a thing though. I keep thinking about becoming a facilitator for cuddle parties... because people don't touch each other enough and certainly not in a platonic way... and then I realized... maybe I just need to be hugged. Maybe sometimes that's enough.
Lately I have been trying to use Facebook like a blog. See, they should never have made it possible to write such long posts. Apparently I feel like I need an audience... I don't know. I just need a place to type my feelings. I'm not purposefully trying to weird everyone out with the particulars of my life. I mean, a lot of the people who are my friends on Facebook "friended" me because of volunteer work that I was doing... now I'm just some chick who seems like a basketcase a lot... but I love them so much for sticking around. It's so nice to have "friends" that turn in to actual friends. Unfortunately, I don't think my personal Facebook can work as an organizing tool anymore. Oh well. 

Random fact: According to some random statistic quoted by my public speaking prof, the average person writes words on actual paper once every 41 days. That's kind of sad. I hope it isn't accurate. I do find that I think totally differently on paper. So, sometimes I have to write words on paper. I don't do that nearly often enough. I can tell because my handwriting is starting to look ridiculous.

So, today I filed my application for Teach for America. I'm not sure how I feel about the program... but I love helping people learn things and I love Detroit... So, we'll see. There has been so much change in my life over the last little while that, in all honesty, I think I want to stay in Detroit for a while if I can... I need to build a firm foundation... but then, I could be able to do that between now and graduation. There's just so much uncertainty. I think subconsciously I keep feeling like if I don't go overseas, that door closes. In some cases, that's true. Many countries don't take teachers much older than I am right now... but then, maybe I'm not supposed to teach there then. I don't have to teach. Actually, I'm really excited about some other opportunities that I'm not really going to talk about just yet... but anyway... I've been so busy living in the future and in the past. I'm just really happy to be here right now. I might just stay here, I like it so much... but I don't know. Right now I'm not making decisions. I'm just working on what needs to be done at this moment and believing with all of my being that I will end up where I am supposed to be. If that's Central Europe, awesome. If that's Peru, that's cool too. If that's Eastern Michigan, I'll be happy as a clam. I believe things are going in the right direction. That's all I really care about right now. 

Yeah, so.... dating... wow, dating is weird. I still feel clumsy and awkward... but I'm having fun and I feel really good about it. I was supposed to go out with this really awesome girl last weekend but something came up. We'll see. I'm quickly learning that there are really awesome people who think I am also really awesome. Even with all the things life throws my way, I am so incredibly thrilled to be me right now. I love my life. 

Beginning Again

It is fitting that today would be the day that I reflect on new beginnings. I don't know if it has to do with the calendar, the holiday, or just the season in my life, but I feel really hopeful.

The last few years have been really difficult. I've been trying to hold on to something that was falling apart, while at the same time keeping it at arms length, so that I wouldn't fall apart too. Well, I fell apart a little. Now I'm building myself back up. It's kind of awesome to have an opportunity to build yourself into what you want to be. I'm very fortunate to have this opportunity. Really, I'm just very fortunate in general.

I'm back in Detroit. Well, not Detroit proper... but "Detroit". I'm about to start the last three classes required for my undergrad... then I'm done. I got an online TEFL certificate. So, technically I'm qualified to teach ESL overseas. I still think I need actual practice teaching. Tomorrow I have an interview with Lutheran Social Services for a volunteer position teaching English to refugees. I don't see why I wouldn't get it.

Now that I'm not incredibly depressed, I'm kind of sorting through what baggage is mine to carry and what I should let go of. 

Kody tried to kill himself. This makes me very sad... but on some level, I've had to let it go. I can't be the person that is there for him. He isn't a person that is there for me. He doesn't actually want my help when I offer it. He just wants my attention without giving anything back. I don't have that kind of attention to give anymore.

In the past month I have:

- unpacked the storage unit... this was similar to unearthing a time capsule. i'm glad it is done and over with.
- moved back to Michigan
- found a place to live. probably temporary, but really wonderful for the time being...
- enrolled in classes. 
- gotten textbooks
- got a passport
- got a TEFL certificate
- managed holidays as a single person

This new singleness is strange. I am unsure what I'm supposed to be doing with my life and my time... but now I don't feel guilty when I make decisions that other people wouldn't be happy with. I feel free. I should have felt this way all along. I'm not going to put my life on hold like that again. It's not healthy. 

My parents divorced me again... It hurts again... but it's also really liberating. My father is crazy. My mother is crazy. I've known this my whole life... but I wasn't really able to accept that somehow this wasn't partially my fault. Somehow it was still my responsibility... but now I'm free from them too. All this freedom is a little overwhelming. Do I go overseas and teach for a while? Do I get an awesome job and stay in Detroit? Do I try to salvage my credit and buy a house? I want all of these things. I think I still plan to go overseas, get experience, come back and get a better job than I'm capable of getting now... 

But I know I'm in the right place because even with the remnants of snow on the ground, yesterday really felt like sandals weather to me... 

My heart and life are open to new possibilities this year. It's going to be amazing.
Well, I can't start every post with "well, I've been meaning to post here" but it's the truth.

Things sped up in my divorce process with Kody. One month and we'll be un-married to each other. I'm not really sad about it anymore. This process has shown me my own strength, the strength of my support network, and the things I'm just not willing to accept anymore.

In the process I had the realization that I've been planning my dreams based on being half of something. You just can't do that. I deserve to be a whole thing. If it's just me, I have to step it up. I have to stop accepting things for myself that i would never see as okay for someone i loved. I have to love myself that much.So, I'm thinking about going to teach English overseas. I'll be finished with this degree soon and I just really want to reach outside my comfort zone and g-r-o-w.

So, since I hadn't changed my residency to Michigan yet and Kody was trying to screw me over, i got in my car and drove right back to Tennessee. I filed for divorce a month and a week ago. I don't plan on staying here. I love it here but keep leaving for the same reasons. There is no diversity here. There is no room for career growth here. it's hard because it is beautiful and many of the people here are lovely.

I think ultimately I'm going to end up taking a job in a country that pays really well, teach there till my loans are paid off, then go to the Republic of Georgia, Ukraine, Russia, Croatia, and Nepal. I'm pretty sure as soon as this divorce is final I'm going back to Michigan till I'm done with school. I need to take another semester of Russian and I can't do that here. Also, all my stuff is still in storage in Michigan and one way or another that's got to get sorted out. I'm starting to look crazy but I promise it's situational. I do have a plan. It's just new and still got some kinks to work out.

Anyway, I'm never here anymore but it doesn't mean I don't love you guys. It doesn't mean i don't want to share with you either. You're all so amazing. I'm so lucky to have spent so many years of my life with you.

Aug. 23rd, 2012

Well, Kody and I are officially calling it quits. It was a good game while it lasted hat it was, but it's time for me to really move forward.  We're just terrible for each other and I deserve to be treated better. I don't feel like getting in to all of that right now, but I will. I think I'm actually going to start a blog specifically dedicated to my divorce process. I think this whole thing is really painful and some days I cry and don't get out of bed. Other days I feel like my whole life is just beginning. It really is a process and there is so much self realization that occurs. I really need to learn as much as I can about myself from this process and what I want out of my future, both alone and with a potential future partner. It's going to be okay. It just means my whole life is totally changing. I've spent almost three years waiting for Kody to get out of the Navy. Before that I spent two years in Hampton Roads, which kind of feels like hell on earth to me. Really, the last place we were really happy is Michigan. Maybe that's why I keep ending up back here. So, I'm looking at this as an opportunity to go back and choose another path. It's my adventure. I just have to choose a page.

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Does LJ work from my phone? We shall see.

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